


Daddy!Levi x Reader - Ashes of Time

by WindMeister8



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Bad Parenting, Crime Scenes, F/M, Parent-Child Relationship, Song Lyrics, Understanding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-01
Updated: 2016-04-01
Packaged: 2018-05-30 14:49:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6428575
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WindMeister8/pseuds/WindMeister8
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I've so much love to give... and yet I don't know how to give it.</p>
<p>I've so many words to say... and yet nothing leaves my lips.</p>
<p>Time. I just need time.</p>
<p>But there never is enough time, is there?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Daddy!Levi x Reader - Ashes of Time

**Author's Note:**

> **(AU Note: For maximum effect, listen to[this](http://www.yourepeat.com/watch/?v=DTmXbUEbjnM))**

The smell of old furniture and the sounds of natures was the first thing that greeted her in the morning. It was something she had missed for the past five years that she had spent in the city, far away from home.  She stretched her arms after a fitful sleep, relishing in the loud crack of her knuckles. As she rubbed the sleep from her tired eyes, her gaze fell on the calendar that hung opposite the bed. Tracing the lines, her eyes finally came to rest on a large red circle that formed an enclosure around today’s date.

A sigh escaped her lips as she whispered softly to herself, “Today is the day.”

**You walked with me.**

An hour later, she emerged from her home decked in all black with a large book in one hand and a small ceramic vase in the other. She got into the ancient family car, placed the book and vase on the passenger seat, and started the engine. With a small sputter, the old engine roared to life and the car shuddered as she shifted into reverse gear, backing out of the garage.

Once she had left the neighborhood and entered the expressway, she settled further back into her seat, leaving one hand on the steering wheel. Her other hand fumbled for the radio button, letting the stream of voices fill the car with meaningless banter. It would be another hour before she reached her destination and despite her current state of emotions, she needed a distraction to keep her sane.

Laughter erupted from the speakers as the radio DJ joked about something silly regarding some bland news about a celebrity. Her eyebrows creased in annoyance and she placed her elbow on the window, resting her head on her hand. She could never fathom why people could be so obsessed over the lives of total strangers, when in reality those celebrities were just normal human beings. But more than that, she was bitter about the people who were deriving pleasure from such mundane things while the full sea of her emotions threatened to come crashing down on her at any time.

It wasn’t fair, she thought. That the world she knew was crumbling within her and yet people were still laughing, still perfectly happy. Yet she knew life was never fair. Unable to withstand the sounds of happiness around her, her hand briefly swiped at the dial to switch channels but at the last moment, the haunting sound of a cello broke through the brief static.

**Footprints in the sand.**

Her eyes widened slightly in recognition of the song and she quickly readjusted the dial. It was a popular song during her childhood and to this day, it still carried a strong sense of nostalgia. Unbidden, long forgotten memories began to resurface, triggered by the notes of the melancholic lyrics. Her grip on the steering wheel tightened as she remembered the first time she heard this song in this very car. But that time, she had been sitting in the passenger seat and her dad had been in the driver’s seat.

**And helped me understand where I’m going.**

_“Where the fuck did you think you were going?” Levi snarled as he slammed the car door._

_She winced at the sound, knowing that there would be more hell to come. Risking a glance at her father, she noticed the bulging vein in his neck and quickly looked away. He was irate, she could see that. She prepared herself for another tongue-lashing, closing her eyes and locking her hands onto the car seat, her fingers digging into the cushion._

_The car jerked as Levi switched gears roughly and a string of curses left his mouth as the engine backfired loudly. “Explain to me why in the hell I saw you OUTSIDE the gate instead of where you were supposed to be.”_

_She gritted her teeth, not knowing whether it would be a good idea to answer or not. If he knew she had wanted to get an ice cream, he would be even more furious. But if she didn’t answer-_

_“(F/N)! I’m talking to you! Answer the fucking question. Or do you not have a tongue already?”_

_The words spilled out of her mouth, hoping to assuage his anger. “I’m sorry, dad. I just wanted to get an ice cream..”_

_One look at his face told her that he was growing madder by the second and her voice trailed off. There was no use justifying her actions now. She squeezed her eyes shut, wishing that she could block off her ears to the impending scolding._

_“Did I not tell you already that it’s dangerous for you to leave the school compound? If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a dozen fucking times. Do you want to be like that boy who got kidnapped right outside the school? Do you want me to find your fucking dead body in the drain?”_

_Levi sucked in a deep breath, his angry tirade having sapped away at his energy. Instead, his voice took on a more resigned tone. “Why can you not understand the simplest instructions? Is it so difficult to sit your shitty ass behind the school gate? Why are you always this foolish?”_

_His demeaning words rained down on her like hail, beating her already bruised spirit again and again. Her attempts at shutting his voice out had failed and she could barely keep herself together. If only.._

_“I want Mum…”_

_It left her lips as a mere whisper but Levi had heard every single word of it. A blanket of silence engulfed the interior of the vehicle and she held her breath, wondering when it would break._

_Levi’s terse reply came a second later. “She’s not coming back.”_

**You walked with me when I was all alone.**

A lump formed in her throat as she recalled the agony and guilt that besieged her every time the subject of her mother was brought up. Memories of her mother – how she looked, how she smiled – had all but vanished, leaving a vague imprint in her mind.

From looking at old photo albums stored in the attic, she knew that they used to be a happy family a long time ago. Picture after picture would show her mother hugging her in a tight embrace while Levi would have his arms around the both of them, a slight smile gracing his lips. Those were the only times she actually saw him smile.

But things started going downhill when her mother received a promotion to work overseas. Given their financial status and Levi’s leg injury that prevented him from getting a better job, the painful decision was made to separate the family, leaving Levi and her back home while her mother toiled abroad.

In the beginning, everything was fine. Calls were frequent, visits happened every couple of months. But five years later, all communication ceased. Money was still transferred into their bank account every month but her mother couldn’t be reached.

Those days were the bleakest of her life. She couldn’t fathom why her mother had seemingly disappeared off the face of the Earth. When she asked Levi – during his sober times – he never gave a real answer, blowing the question off with curses. Her young mind convinced herself that it was her fault; that she had said or done something wrong.

From then on, she strived to be the perfect daughter to Levi, terrified by the prospect that he too might leave her. When he enforced a strict regime, she blindly followed. When he purposely tossed her into potentially dangerous situations, she learnt how and when to fight. When he constantly berated her, she built up a wall to protect her emotional fragility. When she finally had the opportunity to leave and continue her studies abroad, she hesitated, unsure of the path her life was taking.

**With so much unknown along the way.**

_She stared into her dad’s eyes, trying to gain some form of affirmation from her pillar of support. Cold, grey eyes met hers and as his lips parted, she knew instantly what was to follow._

_“Tch, grow a backbone, (F/N). This is what I’ve been grooming you for all these years..”_

_And there it was again. She had never understood why her once-loving dad had taken a 180 degrees turn, morphing into a person whom she feared greatly. It was only later when her mind matured that she could finally put a finger on why her dad treated her so cold and harshly. The reality was disheartening and now, his words only served to strengthen her belief._

_“..You just want to see all my efforts go to waste, right?”_

_His words sliced through her last defenses, tearing at her foundation, as she realized how little her efforts all these years actually meant to him. Unable to hold herself back any more, she looked at Levi with a grim expression, wanting him to understand how cruel he was._

_“Dad, I’m just a job to you, aren’t I?”_

_She could see the shock registered in his face, but before he could retort, she forged on._

_“You just want to satisfy your parental duty. I’m just a burden to you and most importantly,” she paused, the bitter truth hanging on the tips of her tongue._

_Closing her eyes, she spit out the last few words, “I’m a remnant of Mum that you want to get rid of.”_

_Her darkest thoughts were finally out there, a burden relieved from her shoulders. It didn’t really matter what her dad said now. His silence already affirmed everything. In a way, it was strangely comforting._

_“What language do I need to speak for it to get through your thick head-“_

_“It’s ok, dad. I’ll accept the offer,” she cut him off, not bothering to look at him as she left the house with her bags. She didn’t want to hear his excuses any longer. She was now truly free._

_But unbeknownst to her, the full weight of her words had crashed down on the one person who truly loved her. Levi stared blankly at the spot where she had stood, coming to grips with the fact that she was forever lost to him._

_He whispered to her lingering figure in his head, “You’re my baby girl.”_

**I see my life flash across the sky**

Reminiscing about her childhood had taken her a long way down memory lane. In what seemed like a short time, she had finally reached her destination. The deep blue color of the sea reflected sharply in her windscreen, forcing her to squint as she pulled up a short distance away from the beach.

She killed the engine, leaned over, and picked up the vase and book from the passenger seat. As she stumbled out of the car, trying to balance the objects in her hands, her gaze swept over the beach. Thankfully, it was a weekday and so, there were barely a handful of people scattered around the area.

Taking off her sandals, she stepped out into the sand, glad to feel its grainy warmth against the soles of her feet. She walked a short distance, careful to choose a spot that was far away from the other people but near enough for them to hear her if she ran into trouble. Even in such an area, robberies were still common and it never hurt to be cautious. 

She laughed bitterly, recalling that those were the exact words her dad had used on so many occasions as he rebuked her for being lackadaisical. How ironic it was that she only fully understood his reasoning now. 

Finally settling on a spot a few metres away from the lapping of the waves, she placed the vase down gently beside her, leaving the book on her lap. She stared at the wide expanse of the sea, wondering what lay beyond the horizon – on the other side. The scenery looked absolutely captivating, with the slow birthing of the sun from below the infinitely stretching line. Nature was incredibly beautiful and mysterious, yet so unpredictable and frightening.

**So many times have I been so afraid.**

_“I didn’t know you still jog, dad,” she chuckled as she ran alongside a white-haired Levi._

_Levi frowned in response. “I’m old, (F/N). Not dead.”_

_A short, bubbly laugh erupted from her chest. It had been so long since she had last enjoyed this fresh morning air and even longer since she had last jogged with her dad. This was her first time being home after working for more than ten years in the city, and she was glad to see that nothing much had changed. The neighborhood looked pretty much the same – busy and crime-ridden – and even her favorite haunts were still in business._

_She threw a sideways glance at her dad as he jogged slowly alongside her. His stride was still lopsided due to his injury but it never seemed to disrupt his pace. He hadn’t changed much physically either, save for the color of his hair, but she could feel that he had mellowed down a lot. It didn’t feel like the same person she had been scared of all those years back. Maybe age and the lack of contact with her had changed him. Either way, she felt more comfortable with him now._

_Laughing, she said her thoughts out loud, “Dad, it’s funny, you know. I can only talk to you properly now that I’m much older.”_

_Noticing that Levi’s eyebrows were raised in perplexity, she continued, “When I was younger, I couldn’t even have a conversation with you. Each time I spoke, you would chastise me. I really hated you, you know. I hated how everything I did wasn’t good enough for you. I hated that you were never there when I needed you the most.”_

_She looked straight ahead, letting her thoughts flow out as she spoke. It still hurt when she looked back at her past and she didn’t want to look at Levi, for it would bring back further distress. Knowing that he was still listening intently, she rattled on, wanting him to know that she understood everything now that she was older._

_“I know now, Dad, that you just wanted to teach me how to survive. How to take care of myself. Maybe it’s because you were in the military before… but that’s the wrong way of teaching your children. It made me stronger, but it made me hate you so much. Not that it mattered to you. But, I would never do that to my own child because I love them- “_

**And just when I thought I’d lost my way.**

_She halted in mid-step as she noticed the absence of her dad beside her. Spinning around, she saw that his face was turned away, his fists clenched at his side. Thinking that he must be furious at what she said, she started, “Dad-“_

_“Run.”_

_Startled, she asked, “What?”_

_Levi spun around this time, his voice taking on a sense of urgency. “Run, (F/N)!”_

_Her dad, a once formidable and indomitable spirit, had an expression of fear and anxiety plastered on his face. It shook her to her core and for once in her life, she saw her dad for what he really was – a normal person like her. Slowly, she shifted her gaze to the entity that had struck so much terror into her dad._

_What she saw made her freeze in shock, her breath leaving her chest in small gasps. A group of men brandishing knives and steel poles were advancing towards them, their intent clear – rob, rape, and kill. They were trapped. The people around here would not help them for fear of befalling the same fate as them. By the time one of them had alerted the police, the deed would have been done. The busy roads were too far away from here-_

_She gasped as Levi grabbed hold of her shoulders. “Just go, (F/N). I’ll stall them,” he barked._

_“N-no,” she stuttered, trying to take stock of their hopeless situation. “We can run from them together.”_

_“I’ll only slow you down. And there’s no way we can both escape. Now go, you brat!”_

_She quickly glanced back. The men were one street away, and closing in quickly. They could sense the desperation of their prey and they fed on it hungrily. Despite her urge to save herself, she just could not leave her dad here to die.” What was she supposed to do?”, she thought as tears spilled from her eyes._

_“You useless daughter! Just fucking run already!” Levi shouted._

**You gave me strength to carry on.**

_Her survival instincts kicked in and she took off in a sprint, the pounding of her heart matching the rhythm of her feet slapping the ground. As the men started yelling, she spun around in horror. There her dad was, standing tall and straight in the face of the oncoming men. In that moment, she saw not the back of an old, wizened man but the figure of a man she had long forgotten. A loving father who had guided her every step of the way._

_“Dad!!!” she shrieked._

_The men were barely a meter away from Levi but he turned his head slightly to face his daughter, his lips mouthing a few words that he knew she could see._

_“I love you.”_

**That’s when I heard you say.**

All these years, she had pushed away the one person who wanted to be part of her life. And now, when she finally knew the truth, a cruel twist of fate had taken that person away from her. Why was it only when someone was gone that people finally appreciated how much that person meant to them?

She gulped back tears as she flipped through the book on her lap, picture after picture of herself decorating each page. Pictures of her when she was studying abroad, pictures of her at her work in the city.

**I promise you I’m always there when your heart is filled with sorrow and despair.**

All this time when she had thought she was alone, her dad had been hiding behind the scenes, ensuring that she was doing fine. His training, his teaching, his words – they were all his way of expressing his love. He had not known how to love her because he himself had not known love as a young boy. Why couldn’t she have seen that? Why had she been so selfish, caring only for herself?

And to think she had said all those hurtful words to him before he had died. She would give anything to take those words back, to start afresh and give him the love and affection he had deserved. If he had failed as a parent, then she had failed as a child. How could she ever live her life with such a large burden of guilt weighing on her heart?

As she turned the last page, her breath caught in her throat. It was a single picture of the whole family, taken on the day her mother had left to work overseas. With trembling fingers, she removed the photo from its sleeve. Tracing over her parents’ faces, she let out a strangled sob. She missed them so much, loved them with all her heart, and yet she had lost both of them by her own doing. Turning to the back of the photo, she gulped hard as she saw the writing on the back. It was her dad’s handwriting.

“We will always be together.”

The ink was faded but she could still make out the five words clearly. A plaintive whimper left her lips as she recognized that her dad had always loved her mother, had always loved her, and that despite the fact that he was no longer physically present, he would always be there.

**When I’m weary, well I know you’ll be there.**

Placing the picture back into the book, she stood up, wiping the tears from her eyes. It was time to do what she had set out to do. Once again, her dad had guided her down this path of resolution. Kneeling down, she picked up the vase and walked towards the sea.

“I’ll always be your baby girl, Dad,” she whispered as she scattered the ashes in the vase into the deep blue sea.

**And I can feel you when you say…**

**Author's Note:**

> So this was in my list of ideas for a long time but I finally got inspiration to combine two of my ideas to get this!! XD
> 
> A lot of this is actually based on true stories. The kidnapping of a child right in front of the school gates happened a few times in my country. And a mother sacrificed herself for her daughter in the same way that Levi did right in their neighborhood in broad daylight. This was actually a recent event probably some one or two years ago. This is actually the state of crime where I live. Finally, the part where the mother works abroad and then disappears is something I adapted from a family that I know of. 
> 
> Most of all, I wanted to emulate the I Not Stupid 2 (小孩不笨) movie in terms of parent-child relationships. I know there are many cases of bad parents and I personally know of one too. But I think there are many more cases of bad _parenting_ where the parent really loves their child and has no idea how to express it. This is especially true in an Asian country and I highly recommend watching the movie. But if children could just try to understand that their parents actually do love them and if parents could just try to understand the feelings of a child, I think the relationship will really be beautiful.
> 
> ok that turned out too long a ramble. ;P But I really thought that Levi fits this model since he sometimes has difficulty expressing himself and that can turn out to be bad for raising a child. 
> 
> Hope you like this and treasure your relationship with your parents because sometimes, we only regret it once they're gone!! <33
> 
> Lyrics Credits: Footprints in the Sand by Leona Lewis


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